Okay. What the heck is going on? I feel like I just saw them a minute ago. They were right here, but now clearly, they’re not. How could they possibly not be right where I left them? Honestly, I feel like I’m losing my mind.
All right, calm down. I’ll just retrace my steps. The last time I remember having them on me I had just come in the door, hung up my garbage bag full of Cabbage Patch Kid limbs on the coat hanger, and set my keys here on the fireplace mantle. I remember I needed to warm up by the fire since it had been snowing outside and I was still naked at this point. Read more »
With Valentine’s Day so close to President’s Day I can’t help but feel that we ought to mash them together into one actual-sized holiday called “St. Presintine’s Day.” So, to celebrate this new holiday I just made up, I put together a list of the top five former First Ladies I wouldn’t mind taking out for a night on the town.
Grace Coolidge(1923-1929)
Calvin Coolidge, whose demeanor was generally regarded as curt and terse, married Grace Goodhue, a charming vivacious new england woman. It was a good thing he did too, otherwise people would’ve thought he was a big jerk. A lot of people thought I was a big jerk when I had too much to drink and tore open the piñata at that four year old’s birthday party with my bare hands and insisted that I keep all the candy for myself, because after all, I was the one who did all the work. But if I’d had someone like Grace Coolidge there I’m sure she could have just smiled and offered them some shrimp cocktail or something and no one would be upset. Also, Grace owned a raccoon and a white collie named Rob Roy, which may or may not have been magic. That’s enough to earn a spot at #5 on my list.
I’m sure the people who clean my office building at night aren’t trying to make me uncomfortable, but they’re consistently doing a damn good job of it. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the shit out of what they do, and I try my best to be very personable with them, but sometimes I feel like I’m staying in an Eastern European Bed & Breakfast. As hungry as I am, I really don’t want to go downstairs and have to hear about how your granddaughter’s conjoined twins died during the separation procedure because it was performed by a veterinarian. Anyway, since it looks as though I can expect to be working late nights for the foreseeable future, I figure it might be a good idea to lay down some ground rules with Rubina, Hector and the rest of the crew. There will probably be some resistance at first, but I think these simple guidelines will make things a lot better for everyone involved.
Rule #1: I don’t like to converse in the bathroom. Period.
I certainly appreciate your positive demeanor considering what you do for a living, and given the fact that you just listened to me poop, it would be nice if we were actually friends. Unfortunately, we’re not. So I’d appreciate it if we could just completely avert each others gaze when we’re in that room. Read more »
Imagine if you were a nine-foot tall ape-man living way up in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest. At first, it might not seem so bad. You get to live out in the open air, face to face with good old Mother Nature. You don’t have to worry about paying taxes or waiting in lines to go to the bathroom. Life basically becomes one long vacation away from the hustle and bustle of the modern world. You’d probably start to feel like John Locke in the early seasons of Lost. Well, you would if you knew what Lost was, but you don’t have TV, so you don’t. Also, your cave smells like stale farts and dead fish.
Okay, maybe you’re already surrounded by disgusting smells and living without regularly scheduled doses of superior television storytelling, so the transition may not be such a big deal after all. Nevertheless, there are a few more factors involved in being a bigfoot that you should be aware of. Read more »
Calvin Coolidge, whose demeanor was generally regarded as curt and terse, married Grace Goodhue, a charming vivacious new england woman. It was a good thing he did too, otherwise people would’ve thought he was a big jerk. A lot of people thought I was a big jerk when I had too much to drink and tore open the piñata at that four year old’s birthday party with my bare hands and insisted that I keep all the candy for myself, because after all, I was the one who did all the work. But if I’d had someone like Grace Coolidge there I’m sure she could have just smiled and offered them some shrimp cocktail or something and no one would be upset. Also, Grace owned a raccoon and a white collie named Rob Roy, which may or may not have been magic. That’s enough to earn a spot at #5 on my list.