I wish I could give you some clever assessment of last night’s Ax Men or the Oscar ceremony, but I’m on vacation in Las Vegas. So…fuck that noise (I’m referring to Anne Hathaway’s voice). Last night I hit it big on the roulette table and then treated myself to a Maker’s Mark chocolate shake with some random girl whose hotel room I will be charging a late breakfast to. I’m assuming the guys on the Rygaard site came really close to butt fucking each other in the heat of an argument, and Shelby continued to prove that he is the only man worthy of repopulating the human race after the next extinction level event. Normal recaps will resume next week. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be pressing my luck at the craps table and probably ending up with crabs.
Finally, a 3D movie about cars, blonde girls and saying tough-sounding things. All of my muscles have boners right now. Big muscly, exploding 3D boners. If you’re into that sort of thing, or if you are somehow unable to process sarcasm, then boy oh boy have I got good news for you!
As Winter winds down I realize how fucking angry the weather makes me. Wind gusts in particular are exceptionally aggravating, because the biting cold air often blows right into my eyes causing them to tear up. If you know me, you know how much I detest showing human emotions such as sadness. So, even though I know I’m not crying, it pisses me off that other people might think I am. Fucking wind.
In this enraged state, it’s important for me to find activities that have a calming effect; cooking is one of these activities. I’d recommend learning how to cook for anyone who enjoys all the perks of being a fatty, but doesn’t want to spend a blubbery arm and leg going out to eat all the time. Plus, if you know how to cook a good meal, you’ll always have an excuse to invite someone back to your place. You know…for sex. Much like sex, though, cooking in silence is pretty fucking lame. The following playlist will help to liven things up in the kitchen, and who knows, maybe the bedroom too.
Take Me Over – Cut Copy
Desert Plane – Tapes n’ Tapes
In the Dark Places – PJ Harvey
Marrow – St. Vincent
Cities in Dust – Siouxsie and the Banshees
Lock and Key – Eagle Seagull
Joviann – School of Seven Bells
Finish Line – Fanfarlo
The Great Estates – Freelance Whales
Care of Cell 44 – The Zombies
(You can find this playlist on the left column of the site until next Thursday. It will be permanently archived here.)
I’m not saying this mix is gonna get you laid, but it’s definitely better than getting a shot of freezing wind in the eye. Now go make me something good.
Last night’s episode of Ax Men was filled to the brim with the kind of excitement that can only be milked from the teat of near fatal accidents. Coming off last week’s cliffhanger where Butters, the Pihl greenhorn, found himself in the path of a falling tree, the episode kicked into high gear right off the bat (a bat that may or may not have been made from the blood soaked wood that crushed Butters’ skull).
I love the experience of going to the movies, but not that many films come out worth paying $20 and having to listen to a colicky baby whose parents are too cheap to afford a sexy babysitter. So, like many of you, I end up waiting for most movies to show up on Netflix. Some movies, though, look so terrible, I will only watch them on a Sunday afternoon after I’ve taken non-drowsy cold medicine and already watched 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls. I refer to these movies as: Maybe On Cables. Read more »
Tomorrow is Friday and it will be time once again to go out into that gray city of ours and get drunk around a bunch of horrific strangers. It’s expensive and inevitable and it is your duty as a maladjusted twenty-something. But until then, why should you needlessly punish yourself?
Sprawl out on an extravagant rug and put your headphones on. You won’t regret it —unlike the eleven beers you will force yourself to drink tomorrow night in a misguided effort to soothe your throat, raw and bloody from all the howlings and wordless lamentations of a typcial Friday night. Yeesh, your problems are dumb. Chill out, would ya?
Outta My Head – M. Ward
Silver Trees – Asura
The Rain Song – Led Zeppelin
Mermaid – Okkervil River
Moonlight Mile – The Rolling Stones
Any Major Dude – Steely Dan
Never Come Around – La Sera
Alive In ’85 – Broken Social Scene
Hurricane Black – Mos Dub (Max Tannone)
After Hours – The Velvet Underground
(You can find this playlist on the left column of the site until next Thursday. It will be permanently archived here.)
This mix contains no tracks by The Eagles. Because I know It’s been a long day and you hate the fuckin’ Eagles, man.
