There are few things in this life that I hate more than the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority (Meg Whitman’s son comes to mind). Never have I seen such a poorly managed, poorly operated organization. I mean, why don’t we just hire these people to clean up oil spills in the Gulf. Trains and buses are always late, if running at all (apparently we’re all supposed to stay home on weekends). Stations and trains are dirty, and attendants are rarely helpful. Even the buskers have become completely devoid of any discernible talent (uh…dude in the tunnel between the L and 123 at 6th Ave., your special brand of Jack Johnson inspired acoustic pop is like muzak to my ears. play the fucking spoons or something. you’ll still be untalented, but at least you’ll be original). On top of all this, the MTA is going to be raising fares effective 12/30/2010, and of course, none of that extra money is going to be applied to making these things any better. Actually, I’m pretty sure the money just goes into the same black hole that sucks up all the G trains. Anyway, as someone who is not as “affluent” as the MTA would have you believe, I’d like to propose some ways the MTA could save/make money, other than raising the unlimited MetroCard fare to $104.
1.) Give the 3rd Ave. L stop to the homeless. IT’S. FUCKING. POINTLESS. Stop maintaining it and let the dude who has been shitting on the staircase at the Houston 1 stop shit there instead. Read more »
- Carlo
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Probably my favorite thing about being so active on Twitter over the past year has been the friendships I’ve established with complete strangers. Perhaps it’s the irony or the inkling of taboo, but something really attracts me to the notion that people can actually connect personally without connecting in person. I can see how some might find it odd that I correspond with so many “strangers” on a daily basis, but the fact that I’m not wearing a wife-beater and underwear, sitting in my parents basement listening to Air Supply and eating rice pudding makes me feel completely uncreepy about it. Almost all the people I talk to on Twitter are those whose opinion/art/humor I respect, which brings me to the blood and guts of this post. Below is a list of some of the “strangers” in my life that I’d strongly suggest you get to “know.” These folks are the future of the internet as expression, and who knows, maybe one day I’ll actually crack open a beer with them.
1.) Hillary Bankz
The Bank
Hillary’s blog, The Bank, is an irreverent and quirky look at fashion and pop culture, covering everything from Dries Van Noten to Serena van der Woodsen. If nothing else, it makes me feel young, unlike MTV, which just makes me feel…well, old. Read more »
- Carlo
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Anyone who has ever worked with me knows that I am an EPIC procrastinator. My dream would be to have all the time in the world to do absolutely nothing, which is probably why I love Highlander as much as this dude. Lately, though, my laziness has reached dizzying heights and I’m starting to worry that my destiny to change the world is slipping through my chubby little Vienna sausage fingers. Here is the list of things I plan on tackling if I can ever just muster the energy to put on clean underwear, rinse out the coffee pot and find my keys (see Matt’s earlier post).
1.) Create a standardized application to easily identify fautties
What is a “fauttie” you ask? Well, it’s a faux hottie. We all know ‘em. These are the ugly girls who find the one picture that was taken at just the right angle in just the right lighting on the 3rd Sunday of a July in a Leap Year coinciding with the sacrifice of a flaxen haired Protestant virgin, and use THAT as their avatar. Read more »
- Carlo
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With Valentine’s Day so close to President’s Day I can’t help but feel that we ought to mash them together into one actual-sized holiday called “St. Presintine’s Day.” So, to celebrate this new holiday I just made up, I put together a list of the top five former First Ladies I wouldn’t mind taking out for a night on the town.
Grace Coolidge (1923-1929)
Calvin Coolidge, whose demeanor was generally regarded as curt and terse, married Grace Goodhue, a charming vivacious new england woman. It was a good thing he did too, otherwise people would’ve thought he was a big jerk. A lot of people thought I was a big jerk when I had too much to drink and tore open the piñata at that four year old’s birthday party with my bare hands and insisted that I keep all the candy for myself, because after all, I was the one who did all the work. But if I’d had someone like Grace Coolidge there I’m sure she could have just smiled and offered them some shrimp cocktail or something and no one would be upset. Also, Grace owned a raccoon and a white collie named Rob Roy, which may or may not have been magic. That’s enough to earn a spot at #5 on my list.
Read more »
- Matt
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Imagine if you were a nine-foot tall ape-man living way up in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest. At first, it might not seem so bad. You get to live out in the open air, face to face with good old Mother Nature. You don’t have to worry about paying taxes or waiting in lines to go to the bathroom. Life basically becomes one long vacation away from the hustle and bustle of the modern world. You’d probably start to feel like John Locke in the early seasons of Lost. Well, you would if you knew what Lost was, but you don’t have TV, so you don’t. Also, your cave smells like stale farts and dead fish.
Okay, maybe you’re already surrounded by disgusting smells and living without regularly scheduled doses of superior television storytelling, so the transition may not be such a big deal after all. Nevertheless, there are a few more factors involved in being a bigfoot that you should be aware of. Read more »
- Matt
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If you don’t live in a major metropolitan area, consider yourself lucky. Sure, your Friday nights may consist of getting high behind the Dairy Queen and shooting beer cans with a high-powered pellet rifle, but you live life with the blissful ignorance of never having sat next to a homeless man on the E train whose feet look like red potatoes and smell like my dog’s infected ears. If you do live in a big city, then you know that with all the conveniences of mass transit also come the incredible hardships; most notably, being confined to a small space with people you normally would pay to see punched in the throat on television. I’ve compiled a list of the 5 people I most hate to be next to on the subway/platform. If you find that you are one of these people, please video someone punching you in the throat and send it to me. Read more »
- Carlo
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1. Way easier to decide between saving the world or saving the girl.
2. Twix. Two for one actually means two for one.
3. There’s a flu going around.
4. Saturday is pretty awesome just as a saturday. Why muddle it up with obligation and ritual?
5. Lines.
6. It doesn’t matter how much your dinner costs. The economy sucks, remember.
7. Jedi are frobidden to form such close personal relationships.
- Matt
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