Fuck everything else that happened on last night’s episode of Ax Men. There’s only one thing worth talking about: SHELBY. STANGA. IS. MARRIED. We’ve always been led to believe that Shelby is some sort of protohuman relic of a land time forgot, untethered by the rules and routines of modern society. The Shelby I know wouldn’t even date a woman much less marry her. I imagine him hog-tying women in the parking lot of the local Piggly Wiggly and then taking them back to his trailer in a burlap sack where he proceeds to make them pop balloons between their legs while wearing Raquel Welch’s One Million Years BC outfit. Apparently, that’s not the case. Apparently Shelby has been married to a sweet little woman named Donna for the past 10 years, and while he jokes about shooting her between the eyes, they appear to be a lovely couple.
After Shelby’s friend Mike bails on him, he is forced to bring his wife along to help score a difficult log. Of course, Donna was born in the city and doesn’t share Shelby’s appreciation for snakes, alligators and recklessly taking sharp turns at high speeds. Much like last week, Shelby finds his patience being tested by the incessant yapping of a woman who has little to offer in the way of logging expertise. After finding the log he is looking for, an excited Shelby goes in for a kiss from Donna but is disappointed to get her cheek. His feelings are easily hurt, but luckily Piss Willy is there to give him the love and affection he needs.
Now that we’ve gotten a glimpse into Shelby’s personal life, I can’t help but want to know more. Do Shelby and Donna have any children? How did they meet? Does Piss Willy sleep in the bed with them? Please stop fucking around with all these other crews and just give us the Shelby Stanga show that answers all these questions. I guess the best we can hope for at this point is that all the other morons kill themselves off until Swamp Man is the only logger left on the show to film. Fingers crossed.
ps: Shelby finally did get the kiss he wanted, and he didn’t even have to hog-tie her.